Tanya+Gipple+8-G.G.

Roosevelt Student: 8-G.G.


 * Letters of Introduction ( **due 01.21.11 **) **

Hi Grant!

My name is Tanya, and I am a senior at Drake. I am a Biology major with a writing minor. I love writing, especially non-fiction, research-based writing. I find that, although I love talking, words flow much easier on paper and I am able to communicate more effectively.

Writing theory is something that is entirely new to me. As a science major, I tend to learn information, “as is.” It is in my English and Writing courses that I have been able to explore abstract ideas and to think in a different way than I am accustomed to. I believe that the //Ex/Change Through Writing// will be an excellent learning experience for both of us! I want to encourage you to examine your writing and to really focus on being an effective communicator and an excellent persuader. I look forward to hearing from you, Tanya Gipple

Hello Tanya, I am also interested in Biology and thinking about majoring in it for college. I, however, do not enjoy writing so i could never be an english major. I am hopeing that writing will not be too integrated into my future although that might be reaching for the stars. Outside of school I play football, violin, viola, and am involved in showchoir. I can't wait to work with you on my writing and to receive your insight.

Thanks, Grant

Looking forward to meeting you! Ms. Lange is making us practice on the iPad.

Yo Gips! Here's my //ROUGH// draft for my definition.
 * Rough Draft - Definition ( ****RHS** due 01.27.11; **171** due 01.28.11 **) **

Right and wrong is a hard concept to define. when asked to try and define it, two seventy year olds sinmply, yet also vaguely, stated, "Right is right and wrong is wrong." For a teenager, wrong was something a person feels guilty about. Yet it could also be something much deeper. An act can be seen as justified or a last resort to the person who completes the action, but it could be seen as unnecessary, cruel, and repulsive to an onlooker or even the person themselves. Right and wrong is really a judgment call made by the person based on his or her unique sense of morality. However, constant interaction with external forces formes the morality a person lives by. These forces and the reaction they entice either makes a person feel guilty, comforted, or indifferent. These emotions decide what action to take based on what feeling a person will receive. Right and wrong is based on outside influences and personal emotions.

An unknown person in a hooded sweatshirt shuffles up to a counter. The delusional youthy glances over his shoulder to asses the possibility of success. The decision is made. A revolver is revealed and the clerk's heart starts to rush. Blood heats as the barrel is raised to eye level. As a bystander, what is the right thing to do? Does the clerk deserve to die? Can the perpetrator be stopped? What if involvement is the catalyst for a pulled trigger? Could the opposite be true? The action that follows is backed up by forces and emotions expected to follow.

Outside forces influence a person to make what it considers the "right" decision. In the 1950s the "right" thing to do was to be prejudiced and racist, however, after the civil rights movement, the "right" thing is to be fair and nonjudgmental. Society, relatives, and religion are superb examples of influencial sources that help define morality for people today. While society pushes a person to fairly judge all as equals, a grandfather holds true to dated ideals. Religion can tell an individual many things but speaks mainly of kindness to others. However, these ideas are sometimes bypassed because of personal emotions.

All influences a person experiences affect different emotions. Opposing society can cause a feeling of rebeliousness, or abandonment. Opposing relatives can do the same. All peoples have different reactions to different acts. Some feel good rebelling while others feel the opposite. All actions people do are done because of a feeling they have toward it. A bad past experience can cause a person to stop and debate whether or not they should continue on a similar path.

To some, the idea of right and wrong is as clear as day and night. To others, it holds a demeanor more like that of dawn dusk. The morality a person makes decisions based off of comes from external forces and the emotions they feel toward themselves after acting upon these elements. To truly understand ones own morality a person must experience the situations that test man's ability to decide.

Here you go!

I think that you have a great start to your essay. Your topic is a difficult one, though I feel that you have said some good things! You provide plenty of examples demonstrating that the definition(s) of right and wrong are often very personal and individualized. I do think you could further strengthen your essay by providing a firmer definition of right and wrong, or a stronger statement indicating that you do not feel right and wrong can be defined (if that is what you are saying).

What is your reasoning for defining right and wrong as one term? You may be able to expand and further develop your essay/strengthen your definition(s) if you separate the two. I am still unsure, after reading your essay, how you are defining right and wrong. Are you saying right and wrong are too subjective to be defined? Are there examples of right and wrong that are not up for debate? What might those be? How would you personally define right and wrong? What do YOU think? Perhaps you might want to include an example (or examples) of what you think right and wrong means to you.

In addition, I think that your second paragraph could potentially be a great leading paragraph. It demanded my attention and I found myself wondering where it was going.

I think that you can do a lot with what you have by expanding or further explaining some of the things you said. You say, “Religion can tell an individual many things but speaks mainly of kindness to others. However, these ideas are sometimes bypassed because of personal emotions.” What ideas are bypassed, and by what emotions? What might religion tell an individual? Do personal emotions cloud the real/true definition of right and wrong?

In a nutshell, there are a lot of things you could do with this paper and I hope I haven’t confused you too much. I recommend reading your paper and thinking about how it sounds to you. How might you improve wording or flow? Think of ways to support your argument, through using examples, or even outside resources.

See you on Monday! Tanya

here is the revised version tanya. Seriously though, feel free to be picky, i can take it. haha. check sentence fluency too will you?
 * Revision - Definition ( ****RHS** due 01.31.11; **171** due 02.01.11 **) **

Definition of Right and Wrong An unknown person in a hooded sweatshirt shuffles up to a counter. The delusional youth glances over his shoulder to asses the possibility of success. The decision is made. A revolver is revealed and the clerk’s heart starts to rush. Blood heats as the barrel is raised to eye level. As a bystander, what is the right thing to do? Does the clerk deserve to die? Can the perpetrator be stopped? What if involvement is the catalyst for a pulled trigger? Could the opposite be true?

The action that follows is backed up by forces and the emotions expected to follow. Right and wrong is a judgment call made by a person based on his or her unique sense of morality. However, constant interaction with external forces forms the morality he or she lives by. These forces and the reaction they entice can make a person feel guilty, comforted, or indifferent. All emotions decide what action to take based on the feeling a person will receive. An act can be seen as justified or a last resort to the person who completes the action, but it could be seen as unnecessary, cruel, and repulsive to an onlooker or even the person themselves.

Outside forces influence a person to make what he or she considers the "right" decision. In the 1950s the "right" thing to do was to be prejudiced and racist, however, after the civil rights movement, the "right" thing is to be fair and nonjudgmental. Society, relatives, and religion are superb examples of influential sources that help define morality for people today. While society pushes a person to fairly judge all as equals, a grandfather holds true to dated ideals. Religion can tell an individual many things but speaks mainly of kindness to others. As a student enrolled in an inner-city school, exposure to other cultures and races is an influential force and can cause him or her to fight an opposing ideology. This opposition to one force is fabricated by another, and the decision between the two is swayed by the emotions of the individual.

Any single influence a person experiences affect different emotions. Opposing society can cause a feeling of rebelliousness, or abandonment. Contrasting relative’s opinions can do the same. All people have different reactions to different acts. Some feel good rebelling while others feel the opposite. Any action a person does is acted out because of a feeling they have toward it. A bad past experience can cause a person to stop and debate whether or not they should continue on a similar path.

To some, the idea of right and wrong is as clear as day and night. To others, it holds a demeanor more like that of dawn and dusk. The morality a person makes decisions based off of comes from external forces and the emotions they feel toward themselves after acting upon these elements. To truly understand ones own morality a person must experience the situations that test human’s ability to decide.

have fun. hahaha

I can tell you like the thesaurus! J (I love my thesaurus)… I would just make sure the words you are choosing really make sense in the sentence/context. Sometimes words can sound a little bit funny. I think you have done a really good job of revising your paper so far. I like the changes that you made to the first paragraph – you expanded and clarified the scene.

There is one sentence in the intro that is confusing. You say, “The action that follows is backed up by forces and the emotions expected to follow.” I don’t understand what you are trying to say, and I can’t figure out what you mean by forces/emotions expected to follow. Maybe you could read through that paragraph and restate/reword what you are trying to say, or expand on it.

In addition, I think that you could split your first paragraph into two. “. . . Could the opposite be true?” New paragraph. “The action that follows…” The first sentence ties the two together and is a smooth transition, in my mind. Another sentence that you could look at is, “All emotions decide what action to take based on the feeling a person will receive.” Do the emotions do the deciding and the action? Think about what you are trying to say and try to clarify!

If you wanted, you could split “In the 1950s…. nonjudgmental” into two sentences. I don’t want to tell you how to do it though. If you like it the way it is, that’s fine too! I like the sentence, “While society pushes a person to fairly judge all as equals, a grandfather holds true to dated ideals.” It was a nice way of tying in what your grandparents had said.

Is there a better way to concisely say “him or her?”

There is another sentence that doesn’t make sense to me (in the second paragraph). “This opposition to one force is **fabricated** by another, and the decision between the two is swayed by the emotions of the individual.” Do you mean the opposition is made-up? I am confused. Do you mean influenced? I would work on rephrasing what you mean.

Your paper has improved, though I think you can still expand your argument. You give a lot of examples, but I do not feel as though you have firmly defined right and wrong. Focus more on your definition in the second half of your paper. I would also recommend bulking up your conclusion. I am not telling you to add fluff though. Make it strong. You have a lot of great ideas and I like the end of the paragraph… can you succinctly sum up the definition of right and wrong in your conclusion?

I hope this helps! If you have any questions post them and I'll respond! (I get updates to "our" wiki sent to my email so I know when you post).

done:
 * FINAL - Definition ( ****RHS** due 02.02.11; **171** due 02.04.11 **) **

Definition of Right and Wrong An unknown person in a hooded sweatshirt shuffles up to a counter. The delusional youth glances over his shoulder to asses the possibility of success. The decision is made. A revolver is revealed and the clerk’s heart starts to rush. Blood heats as the barrel is raised to eye level. As a bystander, what is the right thing to do? Does the clerk deserve to die? Can the perpetrator be stopped? What if involvement is the catalyst for a pulled trigger? Could the opposite be true?

Influential forces and emotions manipulate a person's decision in a situation like that. Right and wrong is a judgment call made by a person based on his or her unique sense of morality. However, constant interaction with external forces forms the morality he or she lives by. These forces and the reaction they entice can make a person feel guilty, comforted, or indifferent. Emotions also help decide what action to take based on the feeling a person will receive. An act can be seen as justified or a last resort to the person who completes the action, but it could be seen as unnecessary, cruel, and repulsive to an onlooker or even the person themselves. Right and wrong is different for everybody, but is defined by external, manipulative forces, and emotions.

Outside forces influence a person to make what he or she considers the "right" decision. In the 1950s the "right" thing to do was to be prejudiced and racist, however, after the civil rights movement, the "right" thing is to be fair and nonjudgmental. Society, relatives, and religion are superb examples of influential sources that help define morality for people today. While society pushes a person to fairly judge all as equals, a grandfather holds true to dated ideals. Religion can tell an individual many things but speaks mainly of kindness to others. As a student enrolled in an inner-city school, exposure to other cultures and races is an influential force and can cause him or her to fight an opposing ideology. This opposition to one force is created by another, and the decision between the two is swayed by the emotions of the individual.

Any single influence a person experiences affects different emotions. Opposing society can cause a feeling of rebelliousness, or abandonment. Contrasting relative’s opinions can do the same. All people have different reactions to different acts. Some feel good rebelling while others feel the opposite. Any action a person does is acted out because of a feeling they have toward it. A bad past experience can cause a person to stop and debate whether or not they should continue on a similar path.

Some see the difference between right and wrong as clear as day and night. Others observe a demeanor more like that of dawn and dusk. People are faced everyday with a decision they must make. To make the "right" decision they must first look into their past and what they were taught as a child. This is what truly makes a person unique, the reasons behind an action cannot be identical to anyone else. The morality a person makes decisions based off of comes from external forces and the emotions they feel toward themselves after acting upon these elements. To truly understand ones own morality a person must experience the situations that test human’s ability to decide.

any better???? hahaha

Grant, Your writing has come a long way since your first draft! Not only did you clean it up, but you expanded and strengthened your argument. You have also reduced the number of grammatical errors in your paper, though it is still something to pay attention to, as there are still some errors. Improving overall organization and flow is something you can still work on in the future as well! Consider exploring additional resources or perspectives in your papers as well, as it does seem to feel a bit repetitive. Instead of repeating that right and wrong is very subjective, consider examining specific ideas about right and wrong and devoting a bit more time to them, and be strong in your presentation of those ideas. Don't be afraid to stick up for what you think/say/feel. Overall, I am impressed at how timely you have been and how you have improved your writing! I can't wait to see what's next.

Tanya


 * REFLECTION #1 ****( ****RHS** due 02.08.11; **171** due 02.11.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **

The thing I think I improved the most on organization. The organization of the paper improved most because of the drake partner. I still have to improve on grammaticale errors.

Thanks for being so awesome Tanya gipple! You are really helpful.

G - I agree that you improved your organization of this paper. Did your happen to rush through this reflection? ( how'd you know??? ) I would recommend taking the time to slow down and read through what you write to get a feel for how it sounds and how well it flows.

Talk to you soon. - T ayyyooooo T Gip!! here goes nothing. nobody really understands what we're supposed to do so if you have any ideas, i would love to hear them. Ms. Lange told me that i could use "ethics" instead of "right and wrong". do you think that will work? because we all know Ms. Lange isn't always right....
 * <span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">Rough Draft - Classification/Division ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 02.16.11; **171** due 02.18.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **

Ethics are integral to society today. They exist everywhere a person looks. They exist in any profession, for example a doctor's office, and in day to day life.

As a healer of the sick, one must have a clear ethical code and not overstep its line ever. Ethical codees are used by doctors to insure that all patients are treated fairly, correctly, and in the effort to heal them, if not help them. The doctor's code can be as simple as always asking the patient on whether they prefer pills or liquid drugs, to as difficult as explaining to a patient how little time they have left to live.

Each person must also know their own ethical definition. Walking around downtown, a person might see a situation they could get involved with or stay separate from. He or she must possess an ethical code to help decide what they should do. Ethics are also used in how we communicate with one another. One here's a rumor about another person, they must decide what is the right way to go about either divulging it or not.

All around the world, ethics are used everyday. Deciding on an action is as important as acting on it.

if you know what i'm supposed to do, feel free to enlighten the less gifted....

G - I am not entirely sure of what you are expected to do for this assignment either. I know it has been changed in some way. The assignment says, "**Classification.** Includes **Categories and Characteristics**: Ex: Tourists in Hawaii can enjoy three water sports: snorkeling, surfing, and sailing. In a classification essay, **the writer organizes, or sorts, things into categories**. There are three steps to remember when writing an effective classification essay: **1.** **organize things into useful categories, 2. use a single organizing principle, and 3. give examples of things that fit into each category.** Other examples: Classification of historical events in US, Countries classification (territory, popularity, etc), Sport Cars Classification, Most Popular TV Shows in America, Classification of Physiological Diseases."

What you have so far sounds like you are defining ethics, rather than classifying them. If you are intending to classify and not define, are you trying to classify different types of ethics? If you want to classify ethics, you could present and define medical ethics, journalism ethics, personal ethics, etc – defining them, distinguishing them from one another and use examples.

In your first paragraph if you said, “They exist in any profession, and in day to day life.” You could follow that sentence by giving examples – such as your example of “a doctor’s office.” You could give examples of where you find ethics, and then use those in the rest of your paper, focusing on each of them in the paper. (Which is what you started doing in the second paragraph about the doctor’s office).

If you want to further define what ethics are, I would recommend defining what ethics __are__. How would you explain ethics to someone? How do morals and values relate to ethics?

I hope this helps to get you thinking and working one expanding and strengthening your classification/division. I will see you tomorrow! - Tanya


 * <span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">Revision - Classification/Division ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 02.23.11; **171** due 02.25.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **


 * G! Here's what I have for you today. :)**

Ethics are used in many workplaces and professions around the world. Decisions must be made on what is right and what is wrong. Either is chosen based on profit, job vows, or what could be lost. Different professions have different standards and ideas on what is ethical and what is not.

__Politicians__ This profession in particular has a connotation of being unethical __sometimes__. **I am wondering if you could reorganize a few words in this sentence to make it flow more. Speak it out loud. What sounds most natural?** Unfortunately, there are times when this is true. Some have been found with paid escorts or auctioning off senate seats. **Some who?** Other country's political powers can be unethical as well. Even now countries are in uproar because of their leader's failure to do as the civilians want. **How would you classify political ethics? What do they entail? Give some examples of what political ethics are… What are politicians expected to do and not to do?**

__Doctor__ Doctors are expected to act ethically at all times. Whenever one does not, they are held under high scrutiny. This is because when becoming a doctor, a person must take an oath to "do no harm" along with other things. This is an oath doctors take very seriously and do not break it even if they want to. **How might they break medical ethics? I would suggest listing more than “do no harm.” I think it would be best if you really expanded on what each type of ethics is. How are political ethics different from medical ethics, and from journalism and law? You may need outside sources, but I think it would really support your paper well.**

__Journalist__ Perceived by the public as the "doo-gooders," this profession digs deep into what is going on in the world, why it's happing, or what people think about a topic. **I do like where you are going with this sentence, but I think you could divide it into two sentences.. digs deep… world. They examine (or delve into, or investigate (and so on)) … why… topic.” Just a though.** One ethic these people stubbornly cling to is the right to stay anonymous (??? what's thing i'm looking for i cant remember). **I’m not sure what you mean… anonymity?** This can annoy police officers looking for a certain elusive criminal that spoke to the press. **What other ethics do journalists follow?**

__Lawyer__ Some of lawyers are thought to be dirty and uncaring, while others truly are not. Most of the people in this profession souly (? spelled right) (**soley??)** strive for more money, and take advantage of the people who will listen to the things they say. Others do work for the poor and needy, helping relieve them of the injustices done to them by powerful people with no care for the lowly. **What ethics do lawyers follow?? They seem to be missing here!** ** J **

Many jobs hold ethics as a main priority. These few examples contain a source of right and wrong that should be used everyday. While some aim for personal gain, others shoot for selflessness. Ethics is the key to making a wise decision while holding any of these jobs mentioned, without it, doctors could not help other people, and lawyers wouldn't fight for justice.


 * Do you want to stick to these headings, or are you thinking about returning to traditional paragraphs? It would be fairly easy to create transition sentences for each paragraph, but if you want to break that mold I understand. I would suggest, however, to revise the headings if you are going to keep them. Would politics, medicine, journalism, law, sound better, or politicians, doctors (do just doctors need to follow these ethics), journalists, lawyers?**


 * I do like your concluding paragraph. I would read through your paper, even aloud, and consider sentence fluency and sentence structure. How could you make things more clear, or more in depth?**


 * <span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">FINAL - Classification/Division ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 03.01.11; **171** due 03.04.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **

Ethics are used in many workplaces and professions around the world. Decisions must be made on what is right and what is wrong. Either is chosen based on profit, job vows, or what could be lost. Different professions have different standards and ideas on what is ethical and what is not.

__Politicians__ This profession in particular has a connotation of being unethical. Unfortunately, there are times when this is true. Some especially dirty elects have been found with paid escorts or auctioning off senate seats. Other country's political powers can be unethical as well. Even now countries are in uproar because of their leader's failure to do as the civilians want. A politically ethical politician must focus only on the people, however, this sky-high expectation leaves little space for simple indulgences. Vacations are considered unethical to some voters. Politicians are ethically obligated to represent their voters. Representation sets these professionals apart from others.

__Doctors__ Doctors are expected to act ethically at all times. Whenever one does not, they are held under high scrutiny. This is because when becoming a doctor, a person must take an oath to "do no harm" along with other things. This is an oath doctors take very seriously and do not break it even if they want to. A doctor can do nothing but help a patient. Maybe an obvious rule, but without it physicians could use tests that could fatally injure a person just to prove a hypothesis, or worse, disprove one of many. Another moral that defines a healthcare professional is autonomy. This is the idea that the caretaker must do as the patient requests. These two can sometimes conflict. A patient can ask not to be treated even though it would be in their best interest to do so. Doctors are controlled by the people that need their help, this is why their ethics differ from others.

__Journalists__ Perceived by the public as the "doo-gooders," this profession digs deep into what is going on in the world. They investigate occurrences around the world, why they happen, or what people think about the topic. One moral these people stubbornly cling to is the constitutional right to freedom of speech. An interview can be kept anonymous by simply asking the interviewer for anonymity. This can annoy police officers looking for a certain elusive criminal that spoke to the press. A journalist must check for the truth before publishing a certain article, otherwise they could be charged with libel. Another moral they try to uphold is to take an unbiased approach when looking at a topic. They do not wish to sway the public in ways other than by simply stating the truth. Journalistic ethics are run by the truth and the search for it.

__Lawyers__ Some of lawyers are thought to be dirty and uncaring, while others truly are not. Most of the people in this profession solely strive for more money, and take advantage of the people who will listen to the things they say. Others do work for the poor and needy, helping relieve them of the injustices done to them by powerful people with no care for the lowly. Sometimes lawyers can play dirty by entering evidence right at the last minute so the opposition is not prepared. This can be seen as unethical, but it is not illegal or unfair. This is why legal ethics can be a bit skewed. There are somethings, however, which cannot be disputed. It is considered very unethical to break the client attorney privilege. All discussions between a consul and his or her client is confidential and cannot be revealed by the lawyer at any time. Lawyers have a special moral code because their ethics are typically defined by the law they serve.

Many jobs hold ethics as a main priority. These few examples contain a source of right and wrong that should be used everyday. While some aim for personal gain, others shoot for selflessness. Ethics is the key to making a wise decision while holding any of these jobs mentioned, without it, doctors could not help other people, and lawyers wouldn't fight for justice.

Grant, Your essay has come so far since the first draft! Once we had our discussion, and we were able to clear up confusion regarding the assignment, you were able to write a much better draft. I was very happy to see that you considered my advice when revising for your final draft. I think that you really bulked up your argument and supported your points much more so than in your original and second drafts. You have also improved, I think, your sentence fluency. You seem to have many good ideas, and it just takes time to work them out into clear, meaningful sentences. Overall, you have done a great job improving your essay and strengthening your argument from the first to final draft! (This is strikingly similar to my response to the final draft of your first essay, but I have seen the same process this time as last).

- Tanya


 * <span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">REFLECTION #2 ****<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 03.22.11; **171** due 03.25.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **

This is just kind of the the core of what i hope to say. I'm going to keep looking for facts and sources. Here you go:
 * <span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">Rough Draft - Argument ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 03.30.11; **171** due 04.01.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **

The jarring, rhythmic honk of an alarm slices the silence of a dark room. A young student stirs from a warm bed and steps into a cold world and bustles off to school. Groggily taking notes in math class and filling out lab sheets offer no comfort. A teacher shouts to gain attention and uncaringly awake an unfocused learner. Meanwhile a sonorous, soaring melody breaths hope into a similar student. A smashing chord and its resolution clears drowsy eyes better than a well thought out phrase in spanish or interesting fact. Even getting the body up, out of a chair and on stage to perform helps the learning environment and the student's openness to concepts in other subjects. Fine arts in schools are extremely important to the learning of students.

Studies have shown that students who perform score higher on standardized tests and teamwork. Performing even boosts self esteem. Singing a soulful piece of music can help a person express what is on their mind in a way other than speaking. Communicating by simply talking does not always get the point across as failing grades in classes prove. Maybe a learner needs a melody to create a dance routine or write lyrics to. Many find in music an essence that defines them as a person. This foundation is carried with them for the wrest of his or her life. Some even go on to make a profession out of it. Picking up the violin and playing a lamenting melody can offer a retreat to the mourning.

More and more schools are forgetting the importance of fine arts programs and cutting them first when push comes to shove. People should stop and think about how often they hear a song that strikes a chord with them. When humming a tune a person should remember how music affects (effects?) mostly everything around them. Music is not only different pitches, but a language all people should have the opportunity to experience and contribute to.

Like i said i am going to add more thoughts, facts, and sources to it. This is just a basis. Thanks tanya.

Grant,

This is just kind of the the core of what i hope to say. I'm going to keep looking for facts and sources. Here you go:

The jarring, rhythmic honk of an alarm slices the silence of a dark room. A young student stirs from a warm bed and steps into a cold world and bustles off to school. Groggily taking notes in math class and filling out lab sheets offer no comfort. A teacher shouts to gain attention and uncaringly awake an unfocused learner. Meanwhile a sonorous, soaring melody breaths hope into a similar student. A smashing chord and its resolution clears drowsy eyes better than a well thought out phrase in spanish __or interesting fact.__**Transition?** Even getting the body up, out of a chair and on stage to perform helps the learning environment and the student's openness to concepts in other subjects. Fine arts in schools are extremely important to the learning of students.


 * I think that your first paragraph is great. Review for grammatical errors and sentence fluency though. There is room for improvement. The transition from your poetic description to your thesis is a bit abrupt. I would recommend revising in order to create a smoother transition – perhaps another sentence or two, or even begin a second paragraph in which you want to introduce the topic of fine arts in schools and state your thesis statement.**

Studies have shown that students who __perform score higher__ **slightly confusing… maybe say perform on stage or participate in fine arts or something to that extent** on standardized tests and teamwork. Performing even boosts __self esteem__. Singing a soulful piece of music can help a person express what is on their mind in a way other than speaking. __Communicating by simply talking does not always get the point across as failing grades in classes prove.__ **Consider reorganizing this sentence to make it flow better.** Maybe a learner needs a melody to create a dance routine or write lyrics to. Many find in music an essence that defines them as a person. This foundation is carried with them for the __wrest__ of his or her life. Some even go on to make a profession out of it. __Picking up the violin and playing a lamenting melody can offer a retreat to the mourning.__ **This sentence seems odd at the end of the paragraph, perhaps you could place it before “Many find in music…”? Just a thought!**

More and more schools are forgetting the importance of fine arts programs and cutting them first when push comes to shove. People should stop and think about how often they hear a song that strikes a chord with them__. When humming a tune a person should remember how music **affects** (effects?) mostly everything around them.__ **Slightly awkward sentence.. the last part especially… what does music affect?** Music is not only different pitches, but a language all people should have the opportunity to experience and contribute to.

Like i said i am going to add more thoughts, facts, and sources to it. This is just a basis. Thanks tanya.


 * I like where you are going and I am glad to hear that you are looking for more sources and facts. Once you have sources you can back up what you say and that will definitely make a better, stronger argument. Overall, you’ve got a great start.. now that you have stated your thoughts on fine arts education, begin introducing facts/statistics and so on with citations, of course. There are a few grammatical things to look at and I underlined a few things that you should look at! **
 * Good luck! **


 * Tanya **


 * <span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">Revision (1) - Argument ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 04.05.11; **171** due 04.08.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **

The jarring, rhythmic honk of an alarm slices the silence of a dark room. A young student stirs from a warm bed and steps into a cold world and bustles off to school. Groggily taking notes in math class and filling out lab sheets offer no comfort. A teacher shouts to gain attention and uncaringly awake an unfocused learner. Meanwhile a sonorous, soaring melody breaths hope into a similar student. A smashing chord and its resolution clears drowsy eyes better than a well thought out phrase in spanish or interesting fact. Even getting the body up, out of a chair and on stage to perform helps the learning environment and the student's openness to concepts in other subjects. Fine arts in schools are extremely important to the learning of students.

Studies have shown that students who perform music on a stage score higher on standardized tests and activities that require teamwork. Performing also boosts self confidence. Singing a soulful piece of music can help a person express what is on their mind in a way other than speaking. In a classroom setting, a teacher that talks at students does not always work to help learners excel. Some people simply require a jingle to help remember a tricky concept. Maybe a learner needs a melody to create a dance routine or write lyrics to. Many a mourning find solace in a lamenting melody. People find in music an essence that defines them as a person. This foundation is carried with them for the rest of his or her life. Some even go on to make a profession out of it.

More and more schools are forgetting the importance of fine arts programs and cutting them first when push comes to shove. People should stop and think about how often they hear a song that strikes a chord with them. Music affects mostly everything in this world. It appeals to emotions, inspires, can change the world: ever heard of a benefit concert? Music is not only different pitches, but a language all people should have the opportunity to experience and contribute to.

**<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',Times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 32px;">"The Therapeutic Value of Music." // Boarding Schools Directory //. 2008. Web. 04 Apr. 2011. <http://www.boardingschoolsinfo.com/therapeutic-value-of-music.html>. **

The jarring, rhythmic honk of an alarm slices the silence of a dark room. A young student stirs from a warm bed and steps into a cold world and bustles off to school. Groggily taking notes in math class and filling out lab sheets offer no comfort. A teacher shouts to gain attention and uncaringly awake an unfocused learner. Meanwhile a sonorous, soaring melody breaths hope into a similar student. A smashing chord and its resolution clears drowsy eyes better than a well thought out phrase in spanish or interesting fact. ** ß **** Check out this sentence for grammar and sentence fluency. ** Even getting the body up, out of a chair and on stage to perform helps the learning environment and the student's openness to concepts in other subjects. Fine arts in schools are extremely important to the learning of students.

Studies have shown that students who perform music on a stage score higher on standardized tests and activities that require teamwork. (**You could insert a statistic here to demonstrate your point.)** Performing also boosts self confidence. Singing a soulful piece of music can help a person express what is on their mind in a way other than speaking. In a classroom setting, a teacher that talks at students does not always work to help learners excel. Some people simply require a jingle to help remember a tricky concept. Maybe a learner needs a melody to create a dance routine or write lyrics to. Many a mourning find solace in a lamenting melody **(Read this sentence aloud.. you may want to add something** ** J **** .) **. People find in music an essence that defines them as a person. This foundation is carried with them for the rest of his or her life. Some even go on to make a profession out of it.

More and more schools are forgetting the importance of fine arts programs and cutting them first when push comes to shove. People should stop and think about how often they hear a song that strikes a chord with them. Music affects mostly everything in this world. It appeals to emotions, inspires, can change the world: ever heard of a benefit concert? Music is not only different pitches, but a language all people should have the opportunity to experience and contribute to.


 * Grant,**
 * You have revised several of the awkward sentences that I pointed out before, but now my question is “What else do you have?” Your argument lacks support. All it says is that students perform higher on standardized tests and in team activities. You haven’t convinced me. Where is the data? What else does fine arts education do for students? Do you have information on how many schools are cutting the programs? You have a good start, and I can tell that you are passionate about this – which is good… but you absolutely need to add more details.. more of an argument.**


 * You could use the site that you cited for more information. Look for other scholarly articles and information on music education. The site, for example, also says that music can be used to treat depression and autism. How does music help the brain develop and do these things? Use this information! You could differentiate between different times of fine arts education as well.You have your opinion and the basis of your argument, but as I have stated (too many times perhaps)… add supporting facts!!** ** J I know it takes time, but it is well worth it!**
 * (Easybib.com is an excellent tool for when you are creating your works cited/bibliography by the way)**


 * Good luck!**

**<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">Revision (2) - Argument ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 04.13.11; **171** due 04.15.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) ** The jarring, rhythmic honk of an alarm slices the silence of a dark room. A young student stirs from a warm bed and steps into a cold world and bustles off to school. Groggily taking notes in math class and filling out lab sheets offer no comfort. A teacher shouts to gain attention and uncaringly awake an unfocused learner. Meanwhile a sonorous, soaring melody breaths hope into a similar student. A smashing chord and its resolution can be more a more effective incentive to learn. Even getting the body up, out of a chair and on stage to perform helps the learning environment and the student's openness to concepts in other subjects. Fine arts in schools are extremely important to the learning of students.

Studies have shown that students who perform music on a stage score higher on standardized tests and activities that require teamwork. Students with music experience had on average 98 points higher than those without the arts. Performing also boosts self confidence. Singing a soulful piece of music can help a person express what is on their mind in a way other than speaking. In a classroom setting, a teacher that talks at students does not always work to help learners excel. Some people simply require a jingle to help remember a tricky concept. Maybe a learner needs a melody to create a dance routine or write lyrics to. People find in music an essence that defines them as a person. This foundation is carried with them for the rest of his or her life. Some even go on to make a profession out of it.

More and more schools are forgetting the importance of fine arts programs and cutting them first when push comes to shove. People should stop and think about how often they hear a song that strikes a chord with them. Music affects mostly everything in this world. It appeals to emotions, inspires, can change the world: ever heard of a benefit concert? Music is not only different pitches, but a language all people should have the opportunity to experience and contribute to.

**<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',Times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 32px;">"The Therapeutic Value of Music." // Boarding Schools Directory //. 2008. Web. 04 Apr. 2011. <http://www.boardingschoolsinfo.com/therapeutic-value-of-music.html>. **


 * <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',Times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 32px;">The College Board. "Musical Advantage - Music Lessons Make You Smarter!" // Musical Advantage - Find Music Teachers, Music Lessons, Musicians. // 2001. Web. 13 Apr. 2011. <http://www.musicaladvantage.com/smarter.htm>. **


 * <span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">Overall, I think that your essay has a great tone to it. It is much different from what I’ve gotten from you before. I am curious why you are choosing to stick to a three paragraph essay though.. Do you feel this argues your point well? In my mind, a persuasive/argumentative essay needs to be really convincing. Don’t leave anything out! Although you did add a statistic to the standardized testing, I believe you can do more. In addition, your drafts have not varied much… why is that? Are you uninterested? Bored? Busy? I do like your essay, I am just not convinced that it argues your point well. I think you can do a lot more! I know that you can… it just takes some work! Does your school use EBSCO host or any other research article database? Try using something like that or even Google Scholar to look for articles on fine arts in the schools. I understand the importance, as I am sure you do as well, but why might fine arts programs get cut? Look into both sides of the argument and then show why your side is so much better. If I were to write an argumentative essay, I would explore the topic in full.. sharing all of the information that I had. Try and dig deeper into why fine arts programs are so important. What do they do to an adolescent brain? What about their emotions? How does art connect students together? Think about adding more persuasive information. If you have questions on specific things to look for, please let me know I want to be as much help as possible!! **

i tried to get on ebsco but the username and password i received didn't work.
 * <span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">FINAL - Argument ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 04.19.11; **171** due 04.22.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **

<span style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">The jarring, rhythmic honk of an alarm slices the silence of a dark room. A young student stirs from a warm bed and steps into a cold world and bustles off to school. Groggily taking notes in math class and filling out lab sheets offer no comfort. A teacher shouts to gain attention and uncaringly awake an unfocused learner. Meanwhile a sonorous, soaring melody breaths hope into a similar student. A smashing chord and its resolution can be more a more effective incentive to learn. Even getting the body up, out of a chair and on stage to perform helps the learning environment and the student's openness to concepts in other subjects. Fine arts in schools are extremely important to the learning of students.

<span style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Studies have shown that students who perform music on a stage score higher on standardized tests and activities that require teamwork. Students with music experience had on average 98 points higher than those without the arts. Performing also boosts self confidence. Singing a soulful piece of music can help a person express what is on their mind in a way other than speaking. In a classroom setting, a teacher that talks at students does not always work to help learners excel. Some people simply require a jingle to help remember a tricky concept. Maybe a learner needs a melody to create a dance routine or write lyrics to. People find in music an essence that defines them as a person. This foundation is carried with them for the rest of his or her life. Some even go on to make a profession out of it.

<span style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Some may say that a knowledge of an art is not needed to function well in society, or that a person does not use arts on a daily basis. This belief is completely false. To be highly cultured, a person must have an understanding of art in its various forms. People do not get a haircut everyday, yet that is a natural part of life people are expected to do. Without a haircut, a person can be alienated because of this socially unacceptable look. Ignorance of art is like a shaggy head of hair, It is equally unacceptable and inexcusable.

<span style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">More and more schools are forgetting the importance of fine arts programs and cutting them first when push comes to shove. People should stop and think about how often they hear a song that strikes a chord with them. Music affects mostly everything in this world. It appeals to emotions, inspires, can change the world: ever heard of a benefit concert? Music is not only different pitches, but a language all people should have the opportunity to experience and contribute to.

<span style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">**<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',Times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 32px;">"The Therapeutic Value of Music." // Boarding Schools Directory //. 2008. Web. 04 Apr. 2011. <http://www.boardingschoolsinfo.com/therapeutic-value-of-music.html>. **

<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',Times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 32px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"> The College Board. "Musical Advantage - Music Lessons Make You Smarter!" // Musical Advantage - Find Music Teachers, Music Lessons, Musicians. // 2001. Web. 13 Apr. 2011. <http://www.musicaladvantage.com/smarter.htm>.

Grant, I really do like what you have done with this essay. I enjoy reading this essay. I do. It is very different from what you had before, and I think that you handled changing topics very well. You did try to boost your argument more in each draft, and I think your paper is better for it. It is not a research paper, though, so I understand why you wouldn’t undergo such extensive researching!

I have found that it has been hard to determine how much to direct and how much to try and facilitate, that is, give you questions and comments that will lead you to where you should go. Given that we are corresponding on the internet, I have also found it difficult to show specific grammatical corrections. I never know how much or how little you need. In a nutshell, there is still room for improvement in terms of sentence structure and a few grammatical mistakes. I am not sure if I am to blame for those or not! All in all, I enjoyed your tone and your voice and seeing your creative side in this essay. Good job.

**<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">REFLECTION #3 ****<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 04.25.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **