Vladislav+Frederick+6-W.D.

Roosevelt Student: 6-W.D. Letters of Introduction (due 01.21.11 Hello,

My name is William Day (Will), and I am a senior at Roosevelt High and am in Ms. Lange's AP English class. English is one of my most favorite classes and subjects to study/explore. I am an A&B student who loves to participate in as many extracurricular activities I can find. Outside of class I swim varsity on my school's swim team, bike through trails when they are not completely frozen over, play ultimate frisbee, dodgeball, and run with a group of my friends. I was Drum Major for the marching band and play the flute, saxaphone, and piano. Although I finished up with my language requirements two years ago, I decided to keep working towards developing my writing skills and improve my comprehension of AP test questions. I would also like to let you know that I am thrilled to be working with you this semester and improving my essay scores even more. So far my essays have constantly showed improvement. My scores have climbed from 4s and 5s to high 7s and 8s, so I am confident that with a little extra help, they will advance to 8s and 9s. My major weaknesses have proved to be, time management, conveying some ideas more effectively, and occasionally misunderstanding the meaning of some essays. I look forward to meeting you and exhanging ideas on my papers and improving them further! Thank you! ( I apoligize for the rushed ending- I will do my best to finish it after I get back from swim practice!)


 * Hello,**


 * My name is Vladislav Frederick (Vlad), and I am a junior in the English Department at Drake University. I am eager for the chance to help your writing develop throughout this semester. I myself was an AP English student in high school, and have a substantial background in writing for many English classes at my university. I want to feel free to ask me questions as we progress through your work this semester, and would in fact encourage you to ask them. In the event that I give you any feedback that is unclear to you, or that you disagree with, please feel free to express your concerns to me. The entire goal of Drake University's partnership with your writing classes is for both you and I to learn from this cooperative experience throughout the semester, and I am confident that together we can achieve that goal.**
 * Sincerely,**
 * Vlad Frederick**
 * vladislav.frederick@drake.edu**


 * p.s. I likewise look forward to meeting and working with you William! And since I previously bypassed my own personal interests when drafting my introduction letter to you, let me say that some of the extracurriculars I enjoy include: weightlifting, running, biking, video games, story writing, and reading (of the fantasy and historical fiction genres). And as to your weaknesses, you and I can definitely get a good plan together to combat them when we meet in person soon. Until then, take care!**
 * best,**
 * Vlad**

Rough Draft - Definition (RHS due .1.27.11) Hey Vlad! Here is my rough draft outline for my definition paper. My main concern is how I am going to structure it, but here it goes!

Definition Paper - Oppression

Introduction - Hook - example of oppression in Sudan. i.e. South Sudanese sentiments towards the North- what hardships have been forced upon them as a result of the country's dysfunctionality. Brief history of the violence in the region. Thesis- The definition of oppression is a common term understood by most people, however its connotation is interpreted differently throughout separate age groups.

Body Paragraphs - Definition of Oppression/ univeral understanding.

Body Paragraph #1 - Response to question, "What is oppression?"- Then write why I believe they responded the way they did. Body Paragraph #2 - " " + Distinguish oppression from similar terms: repression, despostism Body Paragraph #3 - " " + Give main characteristics; Term - Class - Charateristics

Conclusion - restated thesis - Oppression has maintained a common universal meaning throughout history, yet it is percieved Hey William, I like the topic that you've picked, and I think your thesis statement has some good potential. "its connotation is interpreted differently throughout separate age groups" is a fresh take on the theme, and I will enjoy seeing how you attack it! Since you only have your outline right now, I will give you a few tips based upon what I'm seeing...

-remember it is good to have and cite a valid source for any real-life oppression instances that you use. -if you state any beliefs/opinions, reread them and think about how you can defend/support them with your writing. -what is "commonly understood" about oppression? And why do you think different age groups interpret the power of the word "oppression" differently? -as for structure: For right now, I would say to work with the way that you have your paper outlined. Worry about changing your structure after you've written all your content. Remember it's easy to move things around after you've typed it all up, so play around with that if you don't like the way your structure looks! that's why it's a "rough" draft :D

That's all I can really give as a response based upon what you have submitted thus far. And don't feel like you have to respond to my questions to the letter when you write, my questions are meant to provoke your thoughts, not push mine upon you. And if you ever feel like the latter is happening, don't hesitate to tell me; I won't be offended :). I look forward to seeing your work! best, Vlad p.s. it is not a huge issue to me personally that you are doing your rough draft this evening, but I do have to caution you against repeat instances of day-late completion. I just don't have any personal control over your (or my) deadlines, particularly since my deadlines are based off yours. So while I understand you being busy with the end of a sports season/meets (been there done that with x-country and track) I __don't__ have the authority to say it's okay to turn work in late. Just talk to your professor if you have troubles with a deadline in the future, and if they're okay with it, then I'm okay with responding to it a little past deadline. Fair enough? :)

Definition Paper ** would you consider making a title? Unless your teacher forbade it, I always encourage attempting some different titles for any writing, they're a great lead into your paper! Plus, there's some passionate writing and strong moral messages in your paper that just aren't done justice by "definition paper". **

Whenever the people heard gunshots ringing out across the vast, barren plains, they would run for as much as two days to a safer area across the river. Almost without warning, warring tribes would invade small villages, plundering cattle and food, forcing its inhabitants to uproot and flee. Oppression has been a major problem between North and South Sudan for over half a century and the longest running African conflict has remained turbulent for much of its history. In this conflict, the North holds the better hand and continues to oppress the South by withholding money and resources. Although much of the oil reserves lie in the south, the north controls the port from where it is distributed and therefore, makes most of the profits. Corruption is also a problem in the region; the money that the North does give to the South is misspent and its infrastructure remains weak and underdeveloped. This injustice has led to fractious sentiments between the two sides; even in some inner parts of the divided nation, as tensions over whether the South should be allowed to succeed continue to escalate. Although Sudan still appears united on any world map, it could not be further divided by oppression. Tensions arose from the contrasting ethnic and cultural differences of the north and south along with slavery and religious inequity. The North is primarily Arab and Muslim while the South is dominantly Black and Christian. Here, there is a slight parallel between slavery in America and social standing in Sudan. Whites once thought of themselves as being greater than the black population. The same principle stands in the Sudan; the lighter the complexion you have, the more you are entitled to. Since the Arabs in the North are fairer skinned than the black south, they view themselves as superior and proceed to treat the South as inferior. Most people tend to share a universal definition of oppression, yet when asked about it they give varied responses since they do not all share the same views and experiences. **Here you make a statement (is this your thesis?) in one sentence after the paragraph that is devoted to oppression in Sudan. As a reader, I'm a bit thrown off by the sudden switch over from this Sudan to this statement. How could make a more effective transition from your Sudan introduction to this sentence/your second paragraph? Also think about your theme of "defining oppression" **

When asked to describe this kind of treatment, my grandmother stated that oppression is the act of repressing or devaluing a person’s influence and or rights; a high school friend thought it was whenever someone’s rights are deliberately violated, whether it be through speech, deliberately neglecting somebody, or through an emotional medium like hatred; while a middle schooler's response was less insightful, “I don’t know? Isn’t it like when something is done to keep something down or compressed?” Her explanation is understandable; I know first-hand that she hates watching the news and shows little interest in foreign affairs. She buries her nose in books about gossipful high-school teenagers and Twilight novels. That being said, her school does temporarily shift her gaze to the middle-east and parts of Africa with projects over different cultures throughout certain regions, or types of foreign government- projects she fancies little. How does her school make this "shift" for her? My grandmother, on the other hand, appears to possess a more seasoned definition. When I asked my grandmother about oppression, her response was short and to the point. “ The act of repressing or devaluing a peoples’ influence and or rights.” This may be due to the fact that she grew up during the African American civil rights movement- and era full of coersion. She, along with the rest of America, witnessed the burgeoning of an oppressed minority and the redefinition of a modern culture. The definition of oppression is a common term understood by most people; however its connotation varies with respect to several unique perspectives. The official definition of oppression is defined as: the exercise of authority or power in a burdensome, cruel, or unjust manner; and the feeling of being heavily burdened, mentally or physically, by troubles, adverse conditions, anxiety, etc. It appears that the oldest of the three which were interviewed gave a more similar definition to the actual one than the youngest, my sister. This could simply be because she has not grown up in an oppressed society and has no actual idea of what is going on in other countries around the world; she has other priorities being a middle school teenager. When I asked her about Sudan she had no clue as to what was going on and why they were fighting. She only brought up a commercial she’d seen for homeless Africans who had been displaced and/or starving. To her, oppression is much more trivial than most. She feels oppressed every time her phone gets taken away or when she is grounded. She never states outright, "This is OPPRESSION! " A more common response was, " This is SO unfair! " It is obvious she feels limited in some way; perhaps even a bit oppressed, yet not nearly as much as the oppression seen the Sudan today. ** So can oppression be in degrees? Is oppression only meant to describe extreme injustices aka sudan, or can oppression still be fitting to your sisters burdens, or minor burdens in general? **

My classmate’s definition provided noticeably more insight, partially because we had discussed the topic beforehand and he showed he possessed some knowledge of this dilemma in the Middle East. He seemed to be able to define examples of oppression, eventually characterizing it as being anything which is unwillingly forced upon you for the sole purpose of limiting your freedom, beliefs, and choices. One example he gave me was, “ Pre-colonial America. The British government imposed taxes on us and took away some personal freedoms. We didn’t like our god-given rights being encroached upon, so we wrote a declaration of independence and succeeded. Our reasoning was not matter of religion, dialect, or skin tone. We left because our BELIEFS were different.” To modern day Americans, this example of our dissent from England may be the most recognizable view of oppression we possess today. Nonetheless, second party views should not be left out. England viewed America's dissent differently. To them, we behaved rebelliously and revolted without "just" reason and were seen as a regrettable nuisance. They failed to recognize the implications of excessive taxation and forcing their will upon the averse population. As a result, colonial America dissented due to oppression and pioneered a new nation, enveloping the rights and freedoms which were taken from them. ** Good elaboration of your friend's argument. How do you think our government structure (democratic/republican) changes our viewpoints on oppression? we see dictatorships and monarchy as oppressive, but do you think that stems from our nation's view, or is this a universal truth? **

Although oppression is virtually nonexistent in America today it still runs rampant throughout the far corners of the world. The conflict in Sudan sparked over 50 years ago and foreign governments do little to intervene. With America being born the same way and having experienced a similar rebirth of freedoms again during the civil rights movement, it is difficult to understand why we are not helping these people and doing more to educate our own public about the clear subjugation of the South Sudan. The road to freedom is not always easy and it as crucial as ever that the public bears witness to Sudan, as history repeats itself. ** So you would compare the Sudan Conflict with our Revolution? How so? ** Americans know what oppression is; at least understand that it has something to do with limiting freedom. Even though the official definition of oppression is not fully understood by most people, it is obvious that they possess a view which is similar in context. No matter how old or young people are, it seems as if oppression has reached them one way or another and it is more important than ever to realize it is happening again a half a world away.

Hey Vlad! Thanks for your tips at the end of each paragraph- they really helped me reflect on what I was writing! I was sick for a couple days this week so I am going to see if i can have an extention into tonight to touch it up some more. Your tips really helped to progress my paper!
 * Hi Will! **
 * I think your paper has evolved in really interesting ways! I would like to call attention in particular to the first and last paragraphs. These paragraphs, with lines like "No matter how old or young people are, it seems as if oppression has reached them one way or another and it is more important than ever to realize it is happening again a half a world away", make me feel like you're really wanting to call attention to the issues in Sudan. Your writing has developed strongly in two ways/directions: **
 * 1-it has elaborated on multiple perspectives from which the concept of oppression can be viewed. **
 * 2-it has gained a heavy focus on awareness of the conflict happening in Sudan in particular **
 * The message I have gleaned from your writing is: **
 * oppression has many different weights to different people; some define it from experiences and some deny it from what they see; some also define it from what they learn in history." but nobody can deny that it is occurring in Sudan. The question is, why are we not doing more about it or hearing more about it? **
 * I'd be interested in hearing from you, is this the message you felt you were delivering when you wrote? why or why not? Not that there's anything wrong with the message at all (there isn't), I would just like to know if my interpretation of your writing differed from your own. **
 * Some things I still think you could consider are: **
 * 1-what was your personal definition of oppression, and why? **
 * 2-why do you think we as Americans have an obligation to stop oppression elsewhere in the world? **
 * 3-by intervening we might effectively be "oppressing the oppressor". is it okay to oppress people to stop them from doing bad things? (like your parents' "oppression" of your sister?) **
 * 4-did the paper deliver the message you were intending to deliver? **
 * Overall I've seen alot of great development in your detail, you really fleshed out the differing views on oppression that your grandma, friend and sister put forth. You also gained a stronger voice in your writing, meaning I actually felt some passion in the text, in regards to your writing about the Sudan Conflict and about how more needs to be done for awareness. Great work thus far, I look forward to seeing your work develop more and more throughout this semester! :) **
 * best, **
 * Vlad **

Reflection- I think the most improved aspect of my writing is the ability to keep my ideas relatively focused and to recognize passages that may not attribute to the overall focus of my paper. Your frequent and insightful comments and tips helped me reflect on and modify my ideas MUCH more than just a regular peer review. You helped me most with constantly steering me back towards my original purpose- even when it was not completely set in stone at the time! ) There are still many places where I need help, however my biggest problem with this paper was my focus. Many times you brought to my attention certain ideas which pulled focus away from my purpose. It would have been better for me to go through my ideas and hone each one so they could tie together more smoothly.
 * Will, **
 * I'm really glad to hear that you've felt assisted by my responses!!! I've been able to learn alot as well through my work with you, as we are constantly forced to reevaluate our responses to our partner's work, from many different perspectives. I've came to the realization that I may have overwhelmed you a bit with the sheer amount of response that I gave each piece of your work, and I want to apologize for this. I was so concerned with providing meaningful input for you that I think I overloaded you with my responses. I do agree that you have made great leaps in your focus on the main ideas of your work, and I greatly enjoyed how your work gained more emotional weight as you fleshed out discussion of the conflict of Sudan in relation to the definition of Oppression. I'm sure that you and I will both have much more opportunity to learn from one another as this semester progresses forward! Looking forward to your next writing! :) **
 * Best, **
 * Vlad **

Rough Draft (only in printed out form) **Hey Will, ** **I know we already got to go over this version of your draft in person on monday, but I'll still post the comments that I had for your reference. ** **In addition to what's above, here's a few thoughts ** **<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Calibri','sans-serif';">-When working with your conclusion, think of how you've managed to develop your thesis in your writing (reread, and ask yourself how you addressed your thesis in each paragraph.) ** **<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Calibri','sans-serif';">-Think about your thesis regarding the different interpretations of "oppression" based upon age group. When reading, you mentioned three different people, though I didn't get a strong feel for all of their ages. (for example, the average reader wouldn't know how old your friend is) ** **<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Calibri','sans-serif';">-I heard mention from some of my other students that Ms. Lange put a limit on how many times you can use first person in your essay. Now I'm not taking any issue with the first person you've used, but I'd still like you to think about different ways and different voices you can use to get the same information across. example: could "my friend" in the writing be changed to "a 17 year old high schooler described oppression as...." would this kind of change feel stronger or weaker to you? This is just one of many ways you can play around with your voice. I just want you to think about these ways of narrating, not just for this assignment, but for writing in general. ** **<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Calibri','sans-serif';">Hope these tips serve to stimulate thought for you! Also, I know that you were supposed to have a revision posted on the 1st, and the final of this paper posted on Friday....I'll be happy to respond to any revisions you put out up through friday, but you definitely need to try to have this well finalized by the end of friday, just so that you and I are back on perfect track again! :) email if you have any questions, comments or concerns! ** **<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Calibri','sans-serif';">best, ** **<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Calibri','sans-serif';">Vlad **

<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">To be completely honest with you, I have no clue how to make a classification and division paper with my topic. I've tried several approaches with what material I have already used in my previous Definition paper of Oppression, and they all end up stemming into complex and unorganized ideas. I am going in tomorrow to ask Ms. Lange if I may choose another topic or if not, see what ideas she has for me in terms of keeping my previous topic. Another reason I do not wish to pursue writing a paper on classifying and dividing oppression, is because I feel I have somewhat done that already. In the meantime, I have come up with alternate topics for my next paper. They are - stereotypes, common misconceptions, what it means to be a "family" **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">, **
 * <span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">Rough Draft - Classification/Division ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 02.16.11; **171** due 02.18.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **


 * <span style="color: #ff00ff; font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">Hi Will, **
 * <span style="color: #ff00ff; font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">It seems that you've given this some thought. As far as using Oppression again, or not, I do want you to think about these things while making your topic decision: **
 * <span style="color: #ff00ff; font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">-what categories of Oppression did you explore in your Definition paper? **
 * <span style="color: #ff00ff; font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">-are there any categories of Oppression that you might not have given attention to? **
 * <span style="color: #ff00ff; font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">-for your new topic ideas, do you think you can effectively develop categories within each? Does one topic seem stronger, or "easier" for you to classify and divide? **


 * <span style="color: #ff00ff; font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">I'm looking forward to whatever topic you choose to write about, and I hope that my questions will help you in your decision making process! :) **
 * <span style="color: #ff00ff; font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">Best, **
 * <span style="color: #ff00ff; font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">Vlad **

Will Day AP Language and Composition Ms. Lange 22 February 2011

<span style="color: #000000; display: block; font-family: Calibri; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">"Catchy Title in Progress"

Serving my community as a lifeguard at our local aquatic center has provided me with the chance to observe regular human beings and their conventional behavior. For five days out of the week, I would sit in the stand and walk the pool deck for hours and in doing so, I developed a better idea of how different people behave in similar situations. Over the summer and after hours upon hours of humble observation, I have classified the patrons of my local aquatic center into several categories, each with their own unique characteristics. Among many categories there are; the middle class families with two to three kids, the pool rats, the and the widely known harbingers of chaos. The great majority of patrons at the Northwest Aquatic Center are middle-class families with two to three kids, and are almost always the first to complain about everything. The uptight mother commenting on another guard not doing their job right, leaving her kids to sun-tan and returning a while later only to demand where her children drifted off to, loudly expressing her disproval of concession stand prices, sometimes even complaining to me about something I have no control over. All I can say is, “ I’m very sorry mam. I will talk to my supervisor to see what we can do… //to help with this impossibly trivial matter. “// Then there are the kids themselves who become giddy with excitement and flock to our slide like bugs to a lightbulb. I also noticed that most kids always follow the direction of their heads, and it is quite amusing to watch a child whose attention is completely absorbed in water fountains, hop over to the next one, and all of a sudden look up and commence their rapid approach to the immense water snake, heads fixed. "Walk please!" I would instruct through my megaphone. They are unresponsive; it is no use. Their absent mindedness is even more evident at the top of our slide, where the kids, one-by-one, step into the bay of the slide ( otherwise known as the "launchpad" to the young astronauts and daredevils of the like) and wait for me to say "GO!" or "ok", when it is safe for them to go down. Although this may be considered one of the simplest commands to follow or understand in our language, it is sometimes lost in translation in the mind of a frenzied eight year old. Now I know that some kids can get "caught up in the moment" waiting for their turn, but when I have told them "GO!" nearly a hundred times over the course of their sliding escapade and they ask me, "What!? Who- me!!??", I begin to question the kid's sanity slightly. "Yes YOU!" I reply encouragingly with a smile. "Yeaaaay!!!!" they cry out as the surge of water sweeps them away and deposits them at the bottom shortly thereafter. Next is the dad. Compliant servant to the mom, second-in-command to the kids, and most always the first to retire to a deck chair and pretend to read a book with his hat pulled over his nose. That is, until his kids stroll over after Mom recently rejected their request for the rediculously overpriced snack money. The attempt is futile. They should know by know that he never has the money. "Sorry fellas. Why don't you go check with your Mom?" In the next category are the pool rats. They are classified as unruly, chaotic, rebellious, and completely and utterly oblivious, patrons. More often than not, they are the ones kicking a soccer ball around on the deck, letting loose a few loud "Damns!" and dropping "F" bombs around innocent audiences, running everywhere they go, diving into the water (and in some cases- the ground) and ultimately are the first ones in and the last ones to leave. Last summer only a few groups of pool rats attended Northwest, the majority of which fit the above description to a “T” while others simply did not have anywhere else to go. However, they prove to be the most entertaining and satisfying to observe, solely due to their unruly behavior which inevitably causes them to inflict harm upon themselves. As a lifeguard, not a regular teenager, it is satisfying when a patron teaches themselves a lesson by their own accord so I do not have to intervene myself. All the while watching the group of hooligans I am wishing, //" please get hurt, please get hurt, please do something incredibly ill-advised and give me an excuse to throw you out of here! "// My wish cam true during my third week of guarding. I had just become familiar with the usual crowd and gangs of pool rats when I witnessed, for the first time, a pool rat almost knock one of his friends out with a soccer ball. The moment was pure comedy. One of the kids karate-kicked a ball away from one of his friends and sent the bright orange and yellow orb hurtling straight for the face of his unsuspecting friend. Contact. Out of the gang of six, four of them were bent over laughing, one was rolling around on the grass moaning and holding his head, while the kicker attempted to explain his case without cracking up as well, and constantly looking around as if nothing ever happened. He forgot about me though. I saw everything, and my sympathies did not lie with the kid on the ground, but with my friend who had to do the paperwork. In most cases, all the frustration which has built up over the course of the day is quickly remedied through the act of exercising complete and total authority upon unruly patrons by either stern warning or kicking them out all together. Nonetheless, it is equally productive, as well as satisfying, to let certain scenarios play out which will inevitably lead to a lesson being learned. By the end of the summer, I was able to predict one group’s entire routine with minimal error. I knew which days they came, when they left, who they talked to, how long they would stay in parts of the pool before moving, even their towels. It is hard not to notice these things when your sole purpose is to observe and direct. ** So what's the routine? is there a cliche routine? from what parts of the pool to the next? (detail) ** Last but not least are the anarchic daycares. Frenzied children overrun the pool every Tuesday and Thursday. Northwest becomes a warzone. Every guard is on the edge of their seat and holding their megaphone, not bothering to hang it up because they know rules will be broken, ready to pounce on any and every frenzied rule-breaker. The line for the slide turns into a perpetual cycle of wait, wait, wait, get ready, GO, screams of joy, splash, get out, and wait… Daycares are both predictable, and unpredictable. The only thing you can be sure of is when the chaos will start, and when it will stop. However, another reason a lifeguard's heart rate jumps 30bpm when the daycares are in town, is because of the number of kids who think they can swim when, in fact, they cannot. Nothing is more terrifying than noticing a little boy or girl try and see how far they can go before they can no longer touch the bottom. Although it is easy to see these kids since they position themselves close to the wall, there are a few who get lost in the crowd and wander into the deeper water without any external support and are sometimes difficult to detect unless of their facial expressions- which can change in a heartbeat. This is also another scenario I do not understand. It should be a universal understanding, for all ages, that, if you are unable to keep yourself afloat or be mobile in the water without the use of flotation devices or walking, then you should generally try to stay away from deep bodies of water. Nonetheless, this is lost on some people, mostly younger children. There are a multitude of people who attend Northwest over the summer, all of which may be separated into categories based on their behavior. For me, the most noticeable groups are the ones who stand out from the rest of the crowd; the rowdy, the impolite, and the oblivious. Although not all people fit this description Hey Vlad! I'm sorry but it looks like i won't be able to post my revisions tonight due to the THREE tests I have tomorrow in physics, calc, and spanish 4. They'll be posted sometime between 3:00 and 4:00 tomorrow. Thanks again for the feedback today! It's exciting to know that what you drew from it was exactly what I was trying to portray! -Will Hey Vlad, Ok so far I have a couple of questions/ comments 1) I know my thesis needs work and won't be completely set in stone until the final draft, BUT - I am having trouble classifying the whole family. They fit into a couple of the characteristics I've aleady posted but not ALL. Should I just add them as a separate category? 2) Where do you think would be the best place for me to start another paragraph with the first body paragraph. It's a bit long and I think I need to split it up. I've put a message in w/ (...) 3) Transition into second paragraph. How could I structure the last few sentences to make it flow? I was thinking about just leaving it the way it was, however I think all I need to do is add a sentence after the quote. Idk- I'll look at it again tomorrow and see something- right now I'm a bit tunnel visioned because I've been looking at it for a while now and my brain isn't making progress on it. ** It almost works the way it is, but if you feel you need a sentence after the quote, go for it. Maybe something of the lines of, "and then he can get back to his book" or "And then the complaining mom returns", are a couple of ideas. ** 4) I've add some more droning and complaitive material. I read through it and thought I used it too much some places- do you think I should cut back on it and maybe save it for he rest of the paper to come? I'm curious as to where you may find it so I won't give you specific locations- even though it is noticeable ;)** I noticed your additions, and I don't think they're too much, but I'm worried about how you're addressing your categories, and how your categories are showing up in the essay. I'll discuss this more below. ** 5) There are a couple revisions I have not added yet from the first draft, but right now I have to get ready for a swim banquet so I will be revisiting thislater tonight. If I do not get that chance, then I will wrap it up tomorrow am and it'll be done before class. I don't know if your response deadlines are based off of our class time, but class starts at 1:05. It will be done well before then and I understand if you don't get to it until after school- I understand you have a lot of work to do yourself. THANK YOU SO MUCH! -Will
 * I think i answered these two q's above. **
 * Hi Will ,**
 * I'll keep this paragraph short since I asked alot of questions above. **
 * I notice you using the word oblivious in a couple of your main paragraphs. Might this be a theme more than a specific category? Maybe all your poolgoers are just different categories within "oblivious" (the family is a category, the teen pool rats are a category, the daycare kids are a category.). Rowdy/chaotic also seems more like a theme than a specific category, So I think you could approach this as a theme as well. I suggest this because your listed categories are showing up in each paragraph (each paragraph has rowdy and oblivious aspects) so they don't feel so much like categories as they do overall themes. Largely, I don't think that this means you need to rework alot of your essay, but you do need to look at your categories more carefully in your intro and conclusion, and think about how your can clearly define and separate them more effectively. Categories are seeming like themes, and it's making it hard to distinguish the true category of each paragraph. I'm trying to explain my concerns without confusing you; do you understand what's worrying me here? Let me know if you need this clarified more, and I'll be happy to talk to you and make sure you understand what I think needs addressed. :) **
 * best, **
 * Vlad **

**<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">Revision - Classification/Division ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 02.23.11; **171** due 02.25.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **

**<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">FINAL - Classification/Division ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 03.01.11; **171** due 03.04.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **

**<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">REFLECTION #2 ****<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 03.22.11; **171** due 03.25.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **

**<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">Rough Draft - Argument ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 03.30.11; **171** due 04.01.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) ** When it comes to foreign affairs in the middle east, the US tends to get a bad rap and indirectly financing the Taliban is nothing less than idiotic. In addition, both wars are unsupported by the majority of the population and the ordeal in Lybia is only lessens our popularity there and is contradictory to our agenda in Iran and Afghanistan. Although saving thousands of innocent lives and preventing further warcrimes upon a nation in distress is the UN's top priority, and a concern shared by most citizens, few actually realize that we are aiding and abetting the Taliban, who have known ties to the rebels, by recognizing recurring patterns throughout history. Soon or later, our need to play caretaker in a region where our presence only adds to the tension will come back to harm us. The worst part is that noone seems to care to ask the question, " To what extent does helping our enemies help us?" Even more troubling, it is probably because they simply do not know. If history has taught us anything, it is that is repeats itself, over, and over again. The world has seen it in the Middle East already. The US decided to help our once good friend Saddam Heussein gain power in a region to increase its stability. Now, as everyone knows, he became a ruthless dictator and started a war with us, using the same resources we had given him all those years ago. His tirade ended when his people got ahold of him and hung him for his crimes. Nonetheless, the little stability he provided while in power, disintegrated and left the people scrambling for new leadership, which the Taliban was all too glad to provide. Now a similar occurence is taking place in Lybia. instead of aiding the tyrannical leader, we are assisting the rebels, who have known ties to the Taliban, in removing him from power. How is this different? The government must be completely oblivious to the history they demand be preached in every classroom. Any knowledgeable middleschooler able to spot even the slightest of patterns could see this coming a mile away. In the near future, history is likely to repeat itself, as the resources we provided to the rebels, will find their way into the hands of the ruthless Taliban and fuel the fire we have been battling for the last 20 years. Uncertainty also plays a large role in this new venture. The american people have not been given a clear cut reason for why we are even involved. A 74 percent disaproval rating of the ordeal in Lybia, taken from a Reuters poll, is a leading factor in that uncertainty Hey Vlad! It's been a while! Hey the reason this isn't finished is because I started COMPLETELY over. I originally had my rough draft written out about the sudanese uprising again and I decided to switch away from that topic at the last second :/. If I lose points on this portion that is fine by me- I just realized that this was a topic I would be better at arguing. I'll probably be using bits and pieces of the sudanese rebellion to supplement the events in Lybia and such but the majority will now be about Lybia. I'll talk to Ms. Lange about it being finished tomorrow-I dicided to pull this stunt about two hours ago! Anyways- I have sources and will add those in tomorrow- I have no intention of plagiarising :) Thanks again! - Will


 * Hi Will! No problem, I'll just go over what you have down so far! Do not touch this copy that I respond to! I need it preserved for my final portfolio for my professor, so if you need, copy the original version and refer to my comments off this one, but do not touch this one. kk :) **
 * (DO NOT TOUCH THIS COPY!!!!) (DO NOT TOUCH THIS COPY!!!!) (DO NOT TOUCH THIS COPY!!!!) **

When it comes to foreign affairs in the middle east, the US tends to get a bad rap. Both wars are unsupported by the majority of the population and the ordeal in Lybia is just more salt on the wound. In addition, our efforts in Lybia are contradictory to our agenda in Iran and Afghanistan. Although saving thousands of innocent lives and preventing further warcrimes upon a nation in distress is the UN's top priority, as well as the general population of the US ,** can you really assume that the general population is concerned about what happens in other countries? ** few actually know that we are aiding and abetting the Taliban, who have known ties to the rebels. Soon or later, our need to play caretaker in a region where our presence only adds to the tension will come back to harm us. The worst part is that no one seems to care to ask the question, " To what extent does helping our enemies help us?"** this is interesting. what more can you say about how we are aiding the Taliban? since, as you say, "few actually know", maybe you could consider explaining that in the paper? ** If history has taught us anything, it is that is repeats itself, over, and over again. The world has seen it in the Middle East already. The US decided to help our once good friend Saddam Heussein gain power in a region to increase its stability. Now, as everyone knows,** careful with these generalizing statements. Does "everyone know"? because last I checked, there's a ton of disagreement about the war and the reason it was started. ** he became a ruthless dictator and started a war with us, using the same resources we had given him all those years ago. All that got him was a short drop and a sudden stop **crude hanging reference? seems a bit poor taste compared to your general style of writing**. adn his people were finally free. Nonetheless, the little stability he provided while in power, disintegrated and left the people scrambling for new leadership, the Taliban. Now a similar occurence is happening in Lybia. instead of aiding the tyrannical leader, we are assisting the rebels, who have known ties to the Taliban, in removing him from power. How is this different? The government must be completely oblivious to the history they demand be preached in every classroom.** what history is it that you're hoping to bring to mind here? what specific history are you referring to? ** Any knowledgeable middleschooler able to spot even the slightest of patterns could see this coming a mile away. In the near future, history is likely to repeat itself, as the resources we provided to the rebels, will find their way into the hands of the ruthless Taliban and fuel the fire we have been battling for the last 20 years.** Interesting speculation, but you may want to keep it seperate from the rest of your argument. perhaps give it its own paragraph? ** Uncertainty also plays a large role in this new venture. The american people have not been given a clear cut reason for why we are even involved.** so what are the reasons we HAVE been given? ** Hey Vlad! It's been a while! Hey the reason this isn't finished is because I started COMPLETELY over. I originally had my rough draft written out about the sudanese uprising again and I decided to switch away from that topic at the last second :/. If I lose points on this portion that is fine by me- I just realized that this was a topic I would be better at arguing. I'll probably be using bits and pieces of the sudanese rebellion to supplement the events in Lybia and such but the majority will now be about Lybia. I'll talk to Ms. Lange about it being finished tomorrow-I dicided to pull this stunt about two hours ago! Anyways- I have sources and will add those in tomorrow- I have no intention of plagiarising :) Thanks again! - Will
 * Will, **
 * I'm interested in seeing you develop this. The main issue that you may need to address is your generalizing statements. By this I mean that some of you sentences take on the role of assuming that every other person in America is in the same boat as you when thinking about these conflicts. Since this is evidently not the case, you just need to watch you phrasing so that your valid arguments are not undermined. Along similar lines, you assume the details of the war/conflicts to be common knowledge, when in truth, they are not. that's part of the issue, isn't it? You even end your paper saying that people have not been given a "clear cut reason" for what's going on over there. The points in your text that I commented are just some areas where I suspect it could benefit your writing to have a little more detail. **
 * Also, no obligation at all for you to use this, but below is a little step-by-step on how I organize my argument papers, you can take whatever you want from it that you think may be helpful to you, if anything :). **
 * -First I build up the facts as they are. **
 * -Next, I make sure all the main stances on the argument are pointed out. **
 * -Then, I elaborate on my own stance. **
 * -Finally, I bring the other stances and the facts back in, and defend my stance against them. **


 * As always, I'm glad to help or clarify if you have any questions, comments, or concerns!! :) **
 * best, **
 * Vlad **

**<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">Revision (1) - Argument ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 04.05.11; **171** due 04.08.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **

When it comes to foreign affairs in the middle east, the US tends to get a bad rap. Both wars are unsupported by the majority of the population and the ordeal in Lybia is just more salt on the wound. In addition, our efforts in Lybia are contradictory to our agenda in Iran and Afghanistan. Although saving thousands of innocent lives and preventing further warcrimes upon a nation in distress is the UN's top priority, few actually know that we are aiding and abetting the Taliban, who have known ties to the rebels. Soon or later, our need to play caretaker in a region where our presence only adds to the tension will come back to harm us. The worst part is that noone seems to care to ask the question, " To what extent does helping our enemies help us?" There have been numerous reports on the news broadcasts and through NPR Radio which focus directly on the US's involvement with training and equiping Iraqi troops, as well as new recruits. Although the goal of the US is to build up a native force to adequetly fight the Taliban, some recruits have been surrendering their arms or even services to the Taliban. Actual footage of these actions have been broadcasted throughout America on the CBS nightly news as well as other prominent stations such as the BBC and CNN. Our director of the CIA stated that we are a nation at war with al-Qaeda and its associates, and that war is persistent, and they are an enemy that continues to drive towards their goal of attacking this country and our top priority is to strike back, disrupt, dismantle, and ultimately defeat al-Qaeda and its terrorist allies. Now, all of our military's actions have been nothing less than valiant, yet there still seems to be a lapse in judgement as to who we are deciding to assist. It has been made quite clear that the rebels do not have the power to overthrow Ghadhafi without significant amount of help from allies. Nonetheless, they hated us before this all began. Now they are suffering civilian casualties. The dead families lying in the streets beckon to the dutiful NATO forces, who are all too glad to help. Once they get ahold of Ghadhafi and extablish new leadership, their gaze will inevitably shift to America with either respect and appreciation, or hatred. Whether or not they do in fact turn on us is entirely uncertain as of now, yet the risks posed by our generous support are far too great to ignore. The NATO forces will have to keep a close eye on Lybia for years to come regardless. If history has taught us anything, it is that is repeats itself, over, and over again. The world has seen it in the Middle East already. The US decided to help our once good friend Saddam Heussein gain power in a region to increase its stability. Now, as everyone knows, he became a ruthless dictator and started a war with us, using the same resources we had given him all those years ago. His tirade ended when his people got ahold of him and hung him for his crimes. Nonetheless, the little stability he provided while in power, disintegrated and left the people scrambling for new leadership, the Taliban. Now a similar occurence is taking place in Lybia. instead of aiding the tyrannical leader, we are assisting the rebels, who have known ties to the Taliban, in removing him from power. How is this different? The government must be completely oblivious to the history they demand be preached in every classroom. Any knowledgeable middleschooler able to spot even the slightest of patterns could see this coming a mile away. In the near future, history is likely to repeat itself, as the resources we provided to the rebels, will find their way into the hands of the ruthless Taliban and fuel the fire we have been battling for the last 20 years. Uncertainty also plays a large role in this new venture. The american people have not been given a clear cut reason for why we are even involved.

When it comes to foreign affairs in the middle east, the US tends to get a bad rap and aiding the Taliban is nothing less than idiotic. Both wars are unsupported by the majority of the population ** what are some main reasons that the majority doesn't support this? ** and the ordeal in Lybia is just more salt on the wound. In addition, our efforts in Lybia are contradictory to our agenda in Iran and Afghanistan. Although saving thousands of innocent lives and preventing further warcrimes upon a nation in distress is the UN's top priority,and a concern shared by most citizens, few actually realize that we are aiding and abetting the Taliban, who have known ties to the rebels, by recognizing recurring patterns throughout history. Soon or later, our need to play caretaker in a region where our presence only adds to the tension will come back to harm us. The worst part is that noone seems to care to ask the question, " To what extent does helping our enemies help us?" Even more troubling, it is probably because they simply do not know. There have been numerous reports on the news broadcasts and through NPR Radio which focus directly on the US's involvement with training and equiping Iraqi troops, as well as new recruits. Although the goal of the US is to build up a native force to adequetly fight the Taliban, some recruits have been surrendering their arms or even services to the Taliban. Actual footage of these actions have been broadcasted throughout America on the CBS nightly news as well as other prominent stations such as the BBC and CNN. Our director of the CIA stated that we are a nation at war with al-Qaeda and its associates, and that war is persistent, and they are an enemy that continues to drive towards their goal of attacking this country and our top priority is to strike back, disrupt, dismantle, and ultimately defeat al-Qaeda and its terrorist allies. Now, all of our military's actions have been nothing less than valiant, yet there still seems to be a lapse in judgement as to who we are deciding to assist. It has been made quite clear that the rebels do not have the power to overthrow Ghadhafi without significant amount of help from allies. Nonetheless, they hated us before this all began. Now they are suffering civilian casualties. The dead families lying in the streets beckon to the dutiful NATO forces, who are all too glad to help. Once they get ahold of Ghadhafi and extablish new leadership, their gaze will inevitably shift to America with either respect and appreciation, or hatred. Whether or not they do in fact turn on us is entirely uncertain as of now, yet the risks posed by our generous support are far too great to ignore. The NATO forces will have to keep a close eye on Lybia for years to come regardless. If history has taught us anything, it is that is repeats itself, over, and over again. The world has seen it in the Middle East already. The US decided to help our once good friend Saddam Heussein gain power in a region to increase its stability. Now, as everyone knows, he became a ruthless dictator and started a war with us, **Many would argue that we started the war with them, so be careful here**. using the same resources we had given him all those years ago. His tirade ended when his people got ahold of him and hung him for his crimes. Nonetheless, the little stability he provided while in power, disintegrated and left the people scrambling for new leadership, the Taliban. Now a similar occurence is taking place in Lybia. instead of aiding the tyrannical leader, we are assisting the rebels, who have known ties to the Taliban, in removing him from power. How is this different? The government must be completely oblivious to the history they demand be preached in every classroom. Any knowledgeable middleschooler able to spot even the slightest of patterns could see this coming a mile away. In the near future, history is likely to repeat itself, as the resources we provided to the rebels, will find their way into the hands of the ruthless Taliban and fuel the fire we have been battling for the last 20 years. Uncertainty also plays a large role in this new venture. The american people have not been given a clear cut reason for why we are even involved
 * (DO NOT TOUCH THIS COPY) (DO NOT TOUCH THIS COPY) (DO NOT TOUCH THIS COPY) **
 * Hi Will, **

The most striking early-survey finding: A whopping three-quarters of Americans--74 percent--said the United States should "leave it to others" to attempt to resolve the situation in Libya, according to a CNN/Opinion Research Corporation poll conducted last week.
 * I like the improvements that you made so far. I have just a few general comments to make that may warrant your attention: **
 * 2)You make strong points about our current affairs, but your thesis about what the US is doing wrong seems a little unclear still. Is your main focus on our giving aid to the Taliban? Because if so, make this thesis clear right in the first sentence or two, or within a title. It makes your argument look stronger if people can see your direction right from the beginning, rather than having to guess it. **
 * 1)It would help if you either cited in-text, and/or provided at the end, your website or news sources that you are referring to when you make your statements about the CIA, news broadcasts, NPR, CBS, etc. That gives readers tangible sources to look at, and also takes some of the work off your shoulders, meaning if they aren't well read on the topic, there are links right there that they can refer to. **
 * 3)Your statements in your paper sometimes run the risk of seeming like generalizing statements. These are bad in an argument paper, because you can't assume the opinions of a majority or group, at least not without some kind of validating proof for your statement. For example, when you say **"Both wars are unsupported by the majority of the population"
 * That looks like you're generalizing, unless you find some statistic online and include it . I went to google and typed in "US opinion polls afghanistan " and a major poll collecting website was the first result. And I typed the same thing, but for Libya, and this website was the first hit. **
 * http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_theenvoy/20110318/ts_yblog_theenvoy/polls-show-american-public-not-sold-on-libya-intervention **
 * This article has actual opinion polls on Libya that you could cite, things like **
 * If you quote findings like that, I think it will make your statements seem more factual, and make your overall argument seem stronger. **

**<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">Revision (2) - Argument ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 04.13.11; **171** due 04.15.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) ** When it comes to foreign affairs in the middle east, the US tends to get a bad rap. Both wars are unsupported by the majority of the population and the ordeal in Lybia is just more salt on the wound. In addition, our efforts in Lybia are contradictory to our agenda in Iran and Afghanistan. Although saving thousands of innocent lives and preventing further warcrimes upon a nation in distress is the UN's top priority, few actually know that we are aiding and abetting the Taliban, who have known ties to the rebels. Soon or later, our need to play caretaker in a region where our presence only adds to the tension will come back to harm us. The worst part is that noone seems to care to ask the question, " To what extent does helping our enemies help us?" There have been numerous reports on the news broadcasts and through NPR Radio which focus directly on the US's involvement with training and equiping Iraqi troops, as well as new recruits. Although the goal of the US is to build up a native force to adequetly fight the Taliban, some recruits have been surrendering their arms or even services to the Taliban. Actual footage of these actions have been broadcasted throughout America on the CBS nightly news as well as other prominent stations such as the BBC and CNN. Our director of the CIA stated that we are a nation at war with al-Qaeda and its associates, and that war is persistent, and they are an enemy that continues to drive towards their goal of attacking this country and our top priority is to strike back, disrupt, dismantle, and ultimately defeat al-Qaeda and its terrorist allies. Now, all of our military's actions have been nothing less than valiant, yet there still seems to be a lapse in judgement as to who we are deciding to assist. It has been made quite clear that the rebels do not have the power to overthrow Ghadhafi without significant amount of help from allies. Nonetheless, they hated us before this all began. Now they are suffering civilian casualties. The dead families lying in the streets beckon to the dutiful NATO forces, who are all too glad to help. Once they get ahold of Ghadhafi and extablish new leadership, their gaze will inevitably shift to America with either respect and appreciation, or hatred. Whether or not they do in fact turn on us is entirely uncertain as of now, yet the risks posed by our generous support are far too great to ignore. The NATO forces will have to keep a close eye on Lybia for years to come regardless. If history has taught us anything, it is that is repeats itself, over, and over again. The world has seen it in the Middle East already. The US decided to help our once good friend Saddam Heussein gain power in a region to increase its stability. Now, as everyone knows, he became a ruthless dictator and started a war with us, using the same resources we had given him all those years ago. His tirade ended when his people got ahold of him and hung him for his crimes. Nonetheless, the little stability he provided while in power, disintegrated and left the people scrambling for new leadership, the Taliban. Now a similar occurence is taking place in Lybia. instead of aiding the tyrannical leader, we are assisting the rebels, who have known ties to the Taliban, in removing him from power. How is this different? The government must be completely oblivious to the history they demand be preached in every classroom. Any knowledgeable middleschooler able to spot even the slightest of patterns could see this coming a mile away. In the near future, history is likely to repeat itself, as the resources we provided to the rebels, will find their way into the hands of the ruthless Taliban and fuel the fire we have been battling for the last 20 years. Uncertainty also plays a large role in this new venture. The american people have not been given a clear cut reason for why we are even involved. A 74 percent disaproval rating of the ordeal in Lybia, taken from a Reuters poll, is a leading factor in that uncertainty
 * To summarize, these are the main issues I see right now that may undermine your potentially great argument: including sitations/links, quoting actual polls/facts, and making the thesis of your argument more apparent in the beginning .**
 * As always, feel free to email me with any Q's, comments, or concerns! :) **
 * Best, **
 * Vlad **

**<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">FINAL - Argument ( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 04.19.11; **171** due 04.22.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **
 * Hey Will, I can't give you a whole lot of different comment on this revision, as it is practically identical to the previous draft, save for an additional senence at the end. I did notice that you were adding a "hard fact" at the end, which is good to see, but I need to see more changes before I can give your work a new response. If you have time to post more revision work before, or even on the due date of your final, and post the final later, I'm fine with that! I would just like to see you actually get a chance to put a significant amount of effort into evolving your paper, so if you need a little more time to do this, just ask Petra and tell her that I gladly agree to a pushed-back deadline, if that is what you need. Ok? As always, message me with any Q's, comments or concerns! **
 * Best, **
 * Vlad **

**<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">REFLECTION #3 ****<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">( **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">**RHS** due 04.25.11 **<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Sans Unicode','Lucida Grande',sans-serif;">) **